Say What?!?!?

Found this on my old blog and had me in tears laughing so hard!!! Love it!!! It's kinda long but worth your time! I promise!!! Don't read if your trying to be quiet it won't work!!! Let me know what your favorite was...

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

"For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."

"Anointing of the sick ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request."

"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE


The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:

"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"


Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"
"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"


"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"


Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"

"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"


Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?

"So you were gone until you returned?"

Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"


"Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"

"You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"


Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

·Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

·The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

·I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

· In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

· I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

· I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

· I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

· My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

· As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

· I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

· I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

· I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

· The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

· I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

· A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

· I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

· To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

· The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

· The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

· An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

·A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

· I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.


Hope you enjoyed!!! Let me know your favorite one!!!

Jac

My Quiz from QuizYourFriends.com

How well do you know Jac?? 1) Two Part Question: Where am I go in November and why do I get to go there? New York City! Woohoo because I won a trip in a raffle at work! Maui because I was Employee of the Year. Disney World!!! I was an instant winner at McDees!!! Hawaii cause I have been saving for ever to go on my dream trip!!!

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Aurora's Drawing... My Little Artist

My niece, Aurora since she could hold up a crayon has been drawing. She will draw on anything paper, dust on the table, the wall, my sister's Bills. Now she 7 and her scribbles are now 2D stick figures with my favorite part feet facing in a very akward position! Can you tell I'm a proud Aunty!!!

Picture of Home. Aurora lives with her Mommy in an apartment, if you look closely you can see that she drew an apartment.

A Phoenix Native, Aurora drew her homeland. Plus that day they had been talking about Coyotes and Snakes. I'm not sure if that a coyote in the cactus or what!

She loves drawing pictures of her friends!!! For a now 2nd grader her spelling is very good!

(S) Selena, her bestest friend at church, (A) Aurora and (J) Jac... Awe we are looking good!! I love it!

Ok time to ask Aurora what this is all about. (S) Selena and (L) ???? Hopfully it's Levi, Selena's Baby Brother!!! Not Logan from Jr. Camp!!! Beside I doubt Logan would wear shorts!!! Levi, well he 6 months old so that ok!!!

Ok Here the Biggie!!! It's time for a Bible Study!!! Sunday night, Pastor was preaching a heavy message that well would go over a 7 years old head. So I gave her my book to draw. (Now that she 7 and has the Holy Ghost she old enought to pay attention but every once in awhile I will let her.) Well the first pic is ok, It shows Aurora and Selena in Heaven or "Heven" as my niece put it (Look in the upper left hand corner!) But the second one well.....

Well the second one is the same as before but it puts them in Hell. For a little girl, who only her Aunty is in church this is example of how Hell is just a joke to the world. TV and Movies depict Hell so many ways. Since Br. Abbott was talking about Hell during his preaching I don't think Aurora fully understands what going on! Lord, help my little girl, open her understanding!

Well Atleast this part was a relief!! I Love Jesus with a funky looking Heart!!!

The One, The Only,

Jac

Talking... Can't live without it! Seriously!!!

Talking, YES I love to talk!!! My mom use to say that once I learned to talk I never stop talking. I truly love to talk!!! I'm almost never speechless.

Statistics say that men speak around 2000 words a day and women speak an average of 7000 words a day! I pretty much speak my share and then some in half a day!

I really do like to talk, in fact I'm a telephone operator for a living! LOL Only me!!! But my job has taught me to listen too! Use my words wisely and ssssooo much more!!!

Recently I discovered something about myself, I can not live without talking!!! In fact, I feel inside if I don't communicate with someone throughout my day I feel like my life is going to come unglued!!!

For years, I've known one thing, out of "Five Love Languages" from the book, my love language is Words of Affirmation. Hearing words makes me feel loved.

A friend told me that all girls are like that, if they don't talk to a friend they will think they don't like them or feel ignored. It different for me or maybe it just worst. On my days off when I'm not at work and it not a church night about mid-day I will start loosing it. It gets worst if I try calling or texting and no one answers. By that night, I'm a mess! Truly!

But when I descovered this about myself, I realize it just me being silly and freaking out over something so small. It keeps me from freaking out and I start to realize that I can survive without talking... Well for 24 hours atleast!

My friends fear for my "future" husband!!! Said he won't ever get a word in, I disagree, I love good conversation and enjoy listening to others!!! I learn ssssoooo much!!! I love talking whether it me talking or another!!!

So if you never knew that about me or never realize it (you must be deaf if didn't) now you know. You also know that the fastest way to kill me would put me in a room and not let anyone talk to me, I would be dead in... let see I would have to say less then a week!!!! :-D

Never Speechless,

Jac

Change of plans... My Real Vacation Plans!!!!

Ok this is a long story but I will make is short. Last December, I recieved at my work one of three awards given to employees in non management possitions. I basically recieved "Employee of the Year" I was floored and excited!!! I recieved with the award, a beautiful plaque, $500, 40 PTO (paid time off), 2 round tickets to anywhere in the U.S., and 5 nights at any of our hotels!!! Crazy!!! I'm still amazed at that!!!

I was told I could only go in the Continental U.S. I choose NYC, because I had never been there, sounded cool and so much more. Over time my work had some trouble with the plans, hotels and each time it just didn't work out!!! I got frustrated over and over! Then NYC started stressing me out, busy city, on the go for everything! It actually freaked me out and I hadn't gone yet.

I had just wanted to go on a vacation for once, I mean a REAL vacation! I love conferences and all but I need somewhere where I could take a break! Not feel worn out and fall apart by the time it was over! I had never been on a vacation where I did vacation type stuff!!! I started praying that this trip would be that way. My once in a life time trip!!!

Well last week plans changed. I found out, I could fly anywhere in the U.S. so I made a decision, I wanted to go somewhere new!!! So into Human Resources ready to beg, plead and pout to get my way out of the NYC trip but go somewhere else. Somewhere I had only dreamed of going!!! When I told HR, he turned to me and said sure! No fight, no problem, in fact I could tell he was actually very happy I choose that!!!

Ssssssoooooo Now for my Employee of the Year, Chance of a Lifetime, My First Real Life Vacation, I'm going to get this



MAUI, HAWAII!



I know Craziness!!! Who would of ever know!!! I'm so excited I can't stand it! I'm going the week before Thanksgiving in November and the Week after West Coast Conference! I'm going to try to WCC and the next week go to Maui. I'm like so excited I start to shake just thinking about it!!!

SSSSSOOOOO Can't wait! Please let me know about any recommendations to do while we are there!!! So Mary, Theresa, Marry Joe and I are off to the Big Island!! I have an urging to listen to the Odyssey, about the Barkley's going to Hawaii again!!!

Jac

HIGHLY Recommended Reading...

I can't begin to tell you how much this book has changed my outlook on life! Seriously! It one of the most highly recommended books for any single young person!!! Also for Pastors and Youth Leaders!!!

This book is not written by Apostolics but should be read by every Apostolic Young Person! No it not another "Dating" book of do this do that kinda thing. This book is different, it's amazing!!!

I'm right now rereading it again for who know how many times I have read it now! LOL Written by a husband and wife team, the book is written for both guys and gals, easy reading and worth the time and efford!!!

So what the book already...

"When God Writes Your Love Story"

By Eric & Leslie Ludy

You can buy this anywhere, Barnes and Nobles, Christian Book stores, local book stores! Believe me it worth the money and time.

My only request is you read it with a open mind, and listen with your heart. These words are right on!!!

Then let me know what you think! Comment!!!

Happy Reading,

Jac