Found this on my old blog and had me in tears laughing so hard!!! Love it!!! It's kinda long but worth your time! I promise!!! Don't read if your trying to be quiet it won't work!!! Let me know what your favorite was...Church Bulletin Bloopers:"For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."
"Anointing of the sick ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request."
"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:
"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"
Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"
"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"
"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?
"So you were gone until you returned?"
Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
"Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"
"You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.·Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
·The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
·I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
· In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
· I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
· I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
· I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
· My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
· As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
· I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
· I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
· I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
· The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
· I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
· A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
· I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
· To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
· The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
· The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
· An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
·A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
· I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Hope you enjoyed!!! Let me know your favorite one!!!Jac
